People pleasers why

I am a waitress which is a people pleaser job as we only make money if the customer is happy is my friend who also knows he is a people pleaser and we have decided that the major reason we are so is because we grew up in troubled homes, mine was with an abusive mother and distant father and he had alcoholic parents apt to explode over each little thing.

Hi, Cynthia. Thanks for writing! Thanks for taking the time to comment. I never knew how involved the people pleasing was. I had a bio Mother who stayed in the family but totally ignored me all my life.

My Father was abusive and a very angry man. So clearly put by you and I have sought help for years as all my relaships never worked. I feel like someone has finally given me the clear picture of why I have been a people pleaser all these years. Thank you so much for writing this. You deserve an applause for writing so helpful an article. Now that I am aware, I will be seeking help for it and I will be aware of my emotional urges and not act on them!

Gosh, this article explains aOt and I think it may have just change my life! I have been a people pleaser my whole life. You opened my eyes as to why I do the things I do! I never thought to get it to see if therapist about this but just reading this today has really helped. My parents divorced when I was fiveMy mother never got over it and was quite detached and my father I was always there on the weekends but he also was conditional with his love. It was really a Trumatic thing for our family — the divorce -but I never connected that to My being a people pleaser!

I just thought that was my nature and that I was a little screwed up! LOL but now it really makes everything makes sense. Thank you so much. I had to stop many times reading this because memories kept popping up about my own childhood… I thought my people pleasing tendency began recently since that when I started noticing it but now I can see that people pleasing has been my sole goal since second grade at least!

Now I must really digest this and think what to do next with this new knowledge…. Hi Ann, everything in this article is so true about my childhood. Can you please tell me how I deal with pressure to be a people-pleaser in my adulthood? In the Asian culture Indian there is a strong pressure for a woman to be under the control of her Mother-in-law.

I cannot live like this. I get given the silent treatment and dirty looks from in-laws when I stick up for my rights. Husband is no help, his motto is anything for an easy life. Hi, Binny.

I want to name that as a white therapist, my perspective on this is obviously shaped by my own culture and upbringing.

Do they get called too modern and trouble-making too, or are those terms reserved for you? It sounds like there are both cultural and generational pieces at play here. I also wonder about setting boundaries without lashing out as your SILs do, but continuing to protect your own energies and interests, in spite of the shaming feedback you are getting. This takes practice.

If your mother-in-law used her power well to look after herself and the family system, that would be one thing— you would offer labor, care, and influence in good faith to her as a part of the larger whole. No one is entitled to your obedience. Best of luck to you. Thank you for your positive, knowledgeable, and no nonsense posts. They inspire me with new ways to see things and they nurture my soul with steps to take toward emotional health. I know I sound inconsistent. Ann this is just incredible, thank you for sharing.

This is the very best piece I have ever seen on people pleasing. So simply written yet hitting with depth, well done. One of my first memories is from preschool I was 3 and i was scared of yawning while Adults were talking because yawning can also mean your bored and I thought they would think I was being disrespectful.

In grade one I peed my pants because I was too afraid to ask to go to the bathroom while the teacher was talking. I really want to get out of this mindset before I go off into the world. I also have no sense of who I am as a person, outside of pleasing others. I love to make others happy, but feeling this way creates so many negative emotions that will continue to worsen in the long run.

Thank you. Hi Ann do you do online therapy sessions as I feel this is me in each paragraph and feel this would help me conquer weight issue. But, if this post resonates with you, I strongly encourage you to do a quick google search for therapists in your area who can help! Hi there, have come across your post all the way from Ireland and would be very interested in a consultation to avoid passing these tendencies onto my own child.

Do you have availability for an online session? Hi, Aisling— Thanks for writing! I have also listed some tips for CoDA meetings that are available online for free to help support folks in their learning and growth in this area, as well as how to search for a therapist in your area that is fluent in people pleasing.

Check out the tips at the bottom of the testimonials page for help in getting started. Best wishes to you! I have the same situation as Dawn above right down to peeing my pants in Grade 1. I think some people are just born people pleasers. I think this is a trait of highly sensitive people. Thanks for the book titles and the info.

Sometimes I also wonder if at least a part of people-pleasing could be inherited or simply part of who we are. Nevertheless I found your article quite eye-opening and insightful. This is who I have been all my life, still am.

The fear of rejection and abandonment is the reason. I see me as a child who was given love and attention some times, then afraid, confused, hurt and ashamed when it was withdrawn or just not there. Alone and afraid as a child and still living that out as an adult. Hi, Lisa! You can sign up for my newsletter at the bottom of any page on my website.

In the footer there should be a sign up box that asks for your first name and email. Agree re. Got me thinking and keen to learn more! My struggle now is, I married someone with the same issues who comes from even deeper abuse.

His people pleasing is making our relationship difficult, especially between his three children my step children. Hi, Helen. Thanks for your patience with my response to your comment.

It is a lonely business to be the only one in a family system who is trying to heal. Finding likeminded others for support is key. Sometimes people grow with us and sometimes we outgrow certain relationships. Setting boundaries and staying out of agenda about what others do can feel like a full time job sometimes! Best wishes to you in your healing process.

This made me cry because this is me to a T. It effects everything about my life every day. I definitely would like to learn to not be such a people pleaser.

Hi, Amanda! It can be a powerful strategy for survival, but is exhausting to do all the time. Thanks for your interest in my work! The newsletter link is at the bottom of each page of the website in the footer. Interesting to know more about myself by your article. My mother died when I was in grade 2 and my father has been very lonely then, he gives us needs at least financially but lacks the support that I have been longing for.

I was always looking for attention and tried my best to be excellent in everything I do. I make sure to please my family, friends, and partner. I am hoping to find ways how to improve this aspect, know and love myself more.

I always felt secure with my parents and had their love ,so pleasing them was not an obsessive problem. I felt safe. But yes, i did like pleasing them and making them proud because I was proud of them and who I was.

I loved myself and loved my sister who was not a pleaser but had difficulty in the home with them and as often violent towards me. Later in life, when I had severe panic attacks, anxiety and social paralysis,as a sober woman who quit smoking hard to do try it sometime I wasnt trying to please to them nor could I speak freely from severe sexual harassment that is why I seemed upset. But it was more in the community growing up, that I felt a need to please others, that my parents were not looking at the importance of helping me stand up for myself or stand with me to have my own voice, psychology and assert my own rights and identity.

Most of my actions were tainted with an undercurrent of manipulation and downright dishonesty. I had surrounded myself with people who were dependent on me as a way to be liked and to create indebtedness—in exchange for a sense of safety and yes, love.

Gradually I realized that making anyone dependent on me was unloving, because it was enabling behavior that was not life-giving and tied the person to me in an unhealthy way. Every dependent relationship is an alliance to protect ourselves from past unresolved pain. Pleasing was my armor. When I even considered changing, many fears bubbled up—just like when you pour vinegar over baking soda. Maybe you've experienced these fears, too; maybe your concerns are different.

Some of my relationships indeed did end. But do you know what!? As those old relationships dropped away, fresh space opened for new, healthier ones—real relationships.

My energy and happiness increased, and an inner peace blossomed. Greater opportunities opened for me. When I said no, I meant no. But when I gave my word, I really wanted to show up for my commitments. Regaining my self-acceptance went hand-in-hand with letting go of resentment. The more I chose ME, the more inner peace I had. Self-Care Promotes Self-Love. However, usually people pleasers know who they are. They may not be able to articulate the exact signs, but they frequently identify themselves as pleasers.

If we define inordinate pleasing as compliance without considering self, it is as though we are only an extension of the will of another. When we give up ourselves to someone else, true cooperation is impossible. By surrendering our personal values and the responsibility for our happiness, we are making others responsible for our welfare by default. So then, we often claim the right to blame someone else if things go badly.

Even if we take some satisfaction in playing a martyr, ultimately we have a human need to be loved and valued, so this behavior backfires. When people take us for granted, we feel uncared for, even if we initiated the inequality by giving without full consent.

So, knowing the cost of pleasing, how do you break the habit of giving up yourself? A simple science lesson will help. There are two things that motivate us: pain and pleasure. It also engages the rational and visionary brain, the frontal cortex, which is responsible for higher thinking, transformation, goal-setting, and envisioning.

All unconscious habits are memorized by the body and become a state of being or part of our personality. We've been taught that it's better to give than to receive, but is it? If we only had givers, who would receive? Receiving is essential. Our very first breaths were the first gift of life and breathing requires receiving.

Look at nature: even a tree must take receive from its environment before it can produce fruit. In our own lives, we cannot give until we have received. Nor can we give more than we have received. For example, if we do not have money, we cannot provide for our children or give to charities. If a person cannot be honest about what they want in relationships or what they think in a conversation or what truly brings them joy, then it is impossible for them to be known or for anyone to know how to love them.

When their communications are only partial truths, incomplete or dishonest interactions degrade trust and connection. There is nothing real or authentic in those relationships, is there?

When a person withholds who they are, everything that flows from that deception is also a deception. In the area of contribution, if a person is not living up to their potential because their thoughts, desires, and actions are at the behest of others or are chosen to avoid conflict with others , then society is denied their gifts, talents, and contributions that can be for the betterment of all.

Are you afraid of conflicts or bothering other people? Do you crave for compliments and hate criticisms? Especially when we are young, we tend to please people a lot such as our parents, our teachers, and our peers. People-pleasing is absolutely necessary sometimes. Otherwise, everyone would be demanding their own way. And there would be a lot of conflict in this world.

However, there are also healthy and unhealthy people-pleasing behaviors. Sometimes, people-pleasing can get so addictive because of the rewards it brings that it becomes harmful. Too much of people-pleasing and you lose your own path. People-pleasing without boundaries and you become a doormat without personality.

People-pleasing with a hidden agenda and you are insincere. But you need to know when to stop. You have to be aware of your intention.

Or I would change my ideas until my mentor or brother agrees with me. I call this avoiding external bad feelings. Before you offer help, consider your intentions and how the act will make you feel. Does the opportunity to help someone else bring you joy? You need energy and emotional resources to help others. Keep in mind that needs can involve things like offering your opinion in a work meeting, getting comfortable with your emotions and feelings, and asking for what you need in your relationship.

According to Myers, developing healthy boundaries is an important step in overcoming people-pleasing behaviors. You volunteer for housekeeping tasks at work and jump in with suggestions when a friend mentions any kind of problem. If your partner goes off on a rant about how awful their boss is, for example, show how much you care by listening instead of listing off tips to deal with the situation.

They may want empathy and validation more than anything else. Here are five affordable therapy options to get you started. If you feel exhausted from trying to keep everyone happy, consider talking to a therapist about how you can make yourself happy first. Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health.

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